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mirandarevitup asked: Happy birthday, sir!

Thank you!

We’re rolling into Wrestlemania season for the next little while (no, we didn’t change the schedule. Wrestlemania is still in March. We plan this stuff, you know) so I’m going to be busy trying to figure out what you’ll hate in the moment but appreciate in three-five years and look back on incredibly fondly in 10 while you totally fail to realize that you’re still watching mostly naked men apply fake moves on each other that don’t even hurt, I mean, honestly, is this really what you’re doing with your life?

Anyways, I’ll be gone for a month or two. Also, it’s my birthday. You want to become as successful as I am? You want to achieve what I’ve achieved? You want to know the secret to my kingdom?

It’s very simple. I outwork everyone. I never take time off. Even when it looks like I’m relaxed, I’m pouncing on something else. So while I won’t be here on the blog, don’t worry. You’ll see the fruits of my labours soon enough.

And I guarantee. They’ll be grapefruit-sized.

So Chris Nowinski is firing at us because Cade died the other week and it’s our fault, even though he wasn’t even working for us anymore. You can watch the video from a few days ago down further on the blog, but it doesn’t matter what he says, because he’s wrong. Chris Nowinski is wrong about everything, which is exactly what we sent to the Atlantic as an editorial smackdown:

Former wrestler and anti-head-trauma advocate Chris Nowinski said some very critical things about Senate candidate Linda McMahon and the WWE in a recent interview with NECN, alleging that the WWE encourages steroid use and provides an unsafe environment for its wrestlers. While the McMahon campaign has not responded, to my knowledge (an email to the campaign was not returned—then again, it was only one email), the WWE has.

The WWE emailed this response to Nowinski’s criticisms today:Chris Nowinski did not reveal, as required, that he suffered previous concussions before signing his contract with WWE.• He states WWE suggested that its performers take steroids. However, at no time does he ever state that it was suggested that he do so, or that he knows how to spell steroids.
• His comments that WWE talent perform in matches 200 days a year is not factual.  In 2009, the average active roster talent performed 135 days. Also, Nowinski was a crappy wrestler, so we mostly put him in tag matches against Steiner, a guy who is literally made of steroids.
• A sheer fabrication —- that he went through tables four days a week. He went through poly-carbonate boards set to explode four days a week.
• Mr. Nowinski states, “They have an environment where it’s absolutely unsafe to work in that ring.” “They have no oversight into what actually happens in the ring.”  If so, then why would Mr. Nowinski have ever wanted to be a part of such an environment? Yeah, ya idiot? Why would you? What are you, some kind of stupid head?
• It is very dubious that he ever had a conversation with Lance Cade much less Lance Cade confiding to a total stranger that he used painkillers and steroids. Our wrestlers never, ever fucking talk to one another. We’re actually pretty sure most of them don’t know English. Nowinski, as far as we were aware, only spoke fluent fucktard.
• Although renowned in the field of CTE, we are unaware of any specific qualifications or medical degrees that he possesses which would qualify him as an expert on steroids and pain killers. Nowinski doesn’t even have a degree from Harvard. We made that up for his gimmick, just like we made up Kurt Angle’s gold medals.

I started blogging for you marktards almost a year ago. Your life is different because of me. Your life is better.

You remember that movie Southland Tales where the world ended because the two guys who were the same person but from different universes got too close to one another? You know, the one movie where the Rock showed any acting chops whatsoever? Well, Darren Young is John Cena, but from another universe. We tempted fate last night by having them in the same ring at the same time, but never again. We could all feel the ground tremble, and the world shouldn’t end because of pro wrestling, you know? Or maybe it should. It would certainly be appropriate.

Anonymous asked: why bring danielson back?

Bridey never left us. We just sent him down to a couple of our developmental territories to cool off after he nearly murdered Justin Roberts.