Are we getting excited for Wrestlemania?

Of course you are. We’ve certainly given you enough reasons. I mean, come on, The Rock? The Rock was great enough that I could come out of my coma and absolutely nobody commented because OMFG it’s The Rock. Cena and Miz? Hello, what a build. We’ve turned Miz into a killer so fast nobody’s even talking about how he hasn’t won a match without interference in four months. Alberto Del Rio? Yeah, he’s money. Just you wait. Snooki? She’s on the cover of Rolling Stone. Youth. Market. Tapped.

But you already knew all that. But what don’t you know? What do we have planned? I’m here to let you in on a few things. First off, Christian? I never liked him, but I honestly can’t deny he’s got a bit of the Bret Hart thing going on, a small guy with lots of heart that everyone seems to just genuinely like. And I know you’re all very happy we plugged him into the Edge/Alberto story. It worked. Before Christian, there wasn’t really much emotion in there. It was just about a belt, and who cares about belts? It’s not like you can just buy them from our store. The downside of including Christian in the story is that we sort of have to include him in the match, which works, because the World Heavyweight Championship has always been defended in three-way contests at Wrestlemania. Okay, except 19. And 21. And 23. And 26. But it’s a tradition and we’re going to uphold it, dammit!

What’s going on with the US championship? What’s going on with the intercontinental championship? Why aren’t there matches for Sheamus and Jeff Hardy at Wrestlemania? Just have patience kids. We’ve already established the part of the card that matters, and we still have three weeks to go. I’m sure we’ll figure something for all of them to do that doesn’t have the word “ladder” or “scramble” in it.

Wait, Jeff Hardy isn’t the intercontinental champion? I thought he was. Can someone tell me what happened to Jeff Hardy? I thought he was fine over on the smackdown. I have got to start watching that show.

The Snooki stuff will be fast. Don’t worry about it. The Doors guy and Ziggler will tear it down and do something stupidly acrobatic, and Trish Stratus will do something very flexible, and everyone will be very happy.

So what do we have for The Rock? Let me spoil it for you. The Miz is going to lose to John Cena when The Rock shows his true colors as a really nice guy who really likes John Cena, and it was their plan all along to make Miz believe there was tension and he will be so mad about this that he will cry all the way up the ramp and swear revenge but really will just go back to the mid card where he belongs. At Extreme Rules we’ll have Cena fight Orton in 45 minutes of boring rest holds. It’ll be awesome.

That’s the plan right now anyway. We’ll see if I change my mind at the 11th hour and do something amazing like have Miz win and force Cena to confront The Rock and fight him right then and there. But I doubt it. I do enjoy making you all angry. I really do.

Also, hey, does this mean I’m back? Well, all I can say is, just like The Rock, I’m never going away ever again.