Fair to Flair Quarterly
Look, I know I’m supposed to be in a coma (The Rock couldn’t take the news, so I pretend to not be in the coma when he’s around), but I just had to let you know that if you don’t buy an aggressive amount of Fair to Flair Quarterly copies, I will release Zack Ryder. It will be humiliating, I will do it on the air, and I will hire Robbie E from TNA to fill his shoes. This will happen unless you purchase this book. Do you know why? Because the main event of the entire thing is from me—a full essay on how I saved wrestling. That’s right. Saved. With an S. You people all think I ruined it. I’m setting the record straight, and I want as many people as possible to read it.
Also, yes, there are twelve other great pieces by great new writers on pro wrestling, and the editors of this journal are stupid enough to pay them a percentage of every book sold. Paid wrestling journalism. What a goddamn crazy concept. Some of us are even donating our profits to charity. My charity of choice is most likely the AEIL fund, or “Aid for those who have been Exploded while in a Limo”. Or Japan. Haven’t totally decided yet.
And because I’m feeling generous and have tons of time to waste (Happy Birthday, everyone out there with The as a first name and Rock as a last name!) I’m even going to give you guys a small excerpt of my piece. Here’s the first two paragraphs:
Let’s get this out of the way. I know a lot of you don’t like me. I’m not the most respected guy in the room. I’ve, shall we say, ‘ruined everything’. I’ve taken away your precious wrestling and replaced it with entertainment, which is apparently a completely different thing. I’ve destroyed what you love about this ‘sport’, and trampled all over your passion. Yeah, yeah, it’s still real to you. But, hey, have some sympathy, taste, etc. Because you may not realize this, but I’ve saved everything.
Let me explain something to you: professional wrestling has always, always, always been rigged. It’s never been ‘fake’—that awful, hollow term—but it has always been rigged. You don’t like admitting this to yourself, but every minute of professional wrestling you’ve ever watched, every minute has ever been put to film, has been staged. Not one iota of it was genuine competition. George Hackenschmit and Frank Gotch got paid to pretend to fight each other. That’s just a goddamn fact.
Do you know why it was never real? Because if it were real, it would look like UFC. And nobody wants that. It’s not good for society. To borrow a phrase from Heenan, while the ‘ham and eggers’ may enjoy that garbage, it’s not exactly a great indicator of society that in the 21st century we’re still paying top dollar to watch morons bash each other’s heads in. The thing is, a few real wrestling matches were attempted. They were horrible. We’re talking Kennel in a Cell horrible. We’re talking Scott Steiner and HHH at the rumble horrible. We’re talking ‘Brawl for All’ horrible. And since the game is to sell tickets and not destroy society, the plan changed pretty swiftly.
There’s your bait. Buy the book and get the rest. If the cause of supporting paid wrestling journalism isn’t enough, know that at least 10% of the profits of the book will be going to the Japan relief fund.
I’m not kidding about Ryder.