The Long Stare
On the fourth of July of the year of our lord 2011, I walked out onto my stage and spoke to you, the WWE universe. I succinctly explained away any notion of cm punk. On cue, John Cena arrived on the scene, about to convince me of why I was wrong and how we should go about setting things right. The hero of the show, defending the villain of the show against, of course, the real villain: Me.
Even when I’m not around, there’s nobody who gets my kind of heat. There’s nobody else in sports entertainment with my kind of power. I could have wiped Punk off the map, and within a year every member of the universe will have forgotten who he was. Worse, I could change the tapes to make it look like Michael Cole won both those Money in the Bank matches, just like I made the Great Khali win the world title at Wrestlemania 20.
The story was going perfectly. We planned this a while ago, when Punk’s contract was up. We saved it for the summer, because all of our insider stories take place in July. Punk has played his role to a tea, though I feel he held back last week. But Cena?
Tonight, We present you the scene we filmed a week ago. Cena explains the importance of a fight, and how I was washed up and cowardly and couldn’t take the pressure anymore. He suggests that perhaps I should walk away. I’m supposed to retort but I can’t. Watch it. You’ll see my eyes. You’ve never seen my eyes like this.
I’ve talked to you on this blog before about how I feel abandoned. My wife left the company. My son left. Hogan left. Rock left. Bret left. Sure, Punk is leaving, too. I liked him, even if he didn’t wear a suit. Taka Michonoku left. Everyone leaves. I have to stay. Nobody else will. I can’t trust my company to anyone, because I can’t trust anyone to stay. But if Cena is right, if I really don’t have fight left in me, what good am I? What good is the WWE?
You’ll see me stare for a while. It’s going to be awkward. The camera man had to zoom right in, because Villano iii loves his pathos (it’s true: all our camera men are Villanos. But not all Villanos are camera men. It’s a fun syllogism). And yes, before you get all smarktarded about what is real and what isn’t like you did last week, this was all supposed to happen. What wasn’t supposed to happen was me actually feeling these things. The script is usually so awful that there is no danger of real emotion coming through, but tonight was different.
Paul was naturally excited at the prospect that I might be having a stroke, but really I just got a little lost in the wonderment of it all. I also got a little lost in Cena, to be honest. He’s at his most effective when playing moral authority, and once again I’d like to remind everyone that our hero is defending a villain, and we don’t generally do that so you’d better buy the goddamn show.
